OK, so if you've been around the internet you probably have already heard that KFC recently released a romance novella featuring Colonel Sanders. It is called Tender Wings of Desire
and was available for free, so obviously I downloaded it despite knowing that this made me a tool of capitalist America.
Unfortunately, Tender Wings of Desire
commits the worst sin that a joke romance novella written by a corporation can possibly commit: it is boring as heck.
In case you, too, find yourself fatally curious, here is a brief summation of the events of Tender Wings of Desire
- Madeline Parker, A Vaguely Regency Lady, who is Breathtakingly Beautiful but, Unlike Other Girls, does not like Embroidery or Matters of the Household, gets engaged to a perfectly nice Duke
- But Alas! She Does Not Love Him!
- she wants to See The World!
- so on the night before the wedding she flees into the night with zero preparation or plans
- which is fine because the next day she gets a job at an inn in a small seaside town by walking in and asking the inn if they have a job
- she's so much happier doing manual inn labor than she was as a fine lady
- no you don't understand! she's Seeing the World! a whole ... different small town of it!
- anyway then she meets a dreamy glasses-wearing sailor
- they go for a walk, once, and then they are in love
- now that she's not a lady anymore, there's absolutely no reason in the world that she shouldn't have premarital sex!
- they kiss a few times and have some tastefully ambiguous fade-to-black banging(?)
- her new innkeeper friend drops a backstory about being seduced by a rake sailor but Madeline's like "he's not LIKE that" and it's fine, he totally isn't
- but then alas, the dramatic reveal: though she THOUGHT he was but a humble sailor, his family has sent him a letter begging him to return home and assume the mantle of their business empire!
- "Yes, I'm a Colonel. Yes
, I'm fabulously rich. I am a magnate of the restaurant industry, my dear, the king of an empire that I built with my bare hands. I took a sabbatical from my duties in order to see the world, see what else could possibly be out there, and on the course of my journey I found what I was looking for."
- honestly that line is the only thing entertaining enough to read the novella for and now, there it is, you've read it. You're welcome.
- (she almost dumps him because she doesn't want to go back to Being A Lady)
- (but the next chapter they're married and sailing back to Kentucky to take over the business empire so I guess that's fine)
- (can't believe I sold my soul to KFC for this)
- (I'M A VEGETARIAN)